On Growth. May 23, 2008.
My goodness, it just dawned on me that I’m going to be 25 this year. People generally think that 25 is that milestone year, the breaking point, the age that defines you into “adulthood”. Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t really identify with the term “adult” just yet. Not in the conventional sense at least.
It’s funny, I feel so much younger approaching 25 than I did at 21. A lot of it had to do with having to work three jobs while putting myself through school, dealing with a disastrous heartbreak, and major growing pains. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to be more free, how to identify the things that make me happy, and the courage to pursue them.
Happy. It’s such a simple word, isn’t it? Yet, it was never a simple concept to attain. Happiness used to be this fleeting feeling that expired as soon as the party was over, when company had gone home, when the show came to a close, when I was left all by myself.
For a long time, being alone was a scary thought. Being alone meant having to deal with myself, being trapped inside my own thoughts without distraction, and remembering I can fall apart so easily.
Oh dear. I know. Sooo emo, right?!
Well, I’m so proud to say that I’m a lot better these days. I’m feeling very much like Mary J. Blige post- no more drama phase. Definitely in the midst of a Breakthrough, even though I’m still waiting on that Real Love.
I’m not going to say that I don’t feel emo sometimes. Please, I just cried my eyes out last night! But I needed it. Needed to relive some heartbreaks (geeze, Apps, its always you!) to make sense of where I am now, to see just how ready I really am for that love soon come. So yes, I cave in sometimes, cry a whole lot when I need to, feel painfully lonely on my bad days. But the difference now is that I identify those difficult moments as crucial parts of my growth, a necessary force for balance, and a marker to help me cherish the good days even more intensely.
My, my. I’m so proud of me. And I’m so proud to say that for the most part, I am incredibly happy. I’ve learned to live my life with humility, with faith, with freedom. I’ve learned to surrender to the way the Universe directs my days in motion. I’ve learned to practice stillness when need be. I’ve learned to focus on the beautiful things I have instead of focusing on what I don’t. I’ve learned to be brave enough to indulge in the things that make me happy: my art, my work, my friends, my family.
Most of all, I’ve learned to believe in my beauty. After all, what we have in our lives is a reflection of ourselves- we attract things that are most like us. When I look around and see this amazing circle of beautiful people who laugh, love, and live alongside me, I recognize, that if I reflect even a fraction of their shine, I must be one of the brightest stars on earth!
And yes, I can proudly and bravely say that I’m incredibly happy. And I feel younger every single year.
25 as the breaking point? Please.
25 as the Breakthrough? YES. That’s more like it.
And for the record, I’m soo looking forward to my thirties. Watch me now.
